Its been a while since my last post. A crazy year since last summer with lots of changes.  I will be honest and openly admit that I am struggling right now, physically and emotionally. Physically because since my hysteroctomy, cancer and chemo finding my way back to my right weight has been a challenge. Added to that a lack of estrogen from surgical menopause and you get where I am right now. Stuck, blue and unmotivated.

I underestimated the role estrogen plays in my life and I feel my doctors did too. When women go through menopause it is usually later in life and most can add hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to their daily routine. It does not solve all their problem but it helps reduce them to some degree. When you are in your 40’s and have a hormone sensitive cancer like I did, endometrial and ovarian cancer, you cannot take HRT. You can’t even have a large amount of soy in processed form because it can cause your body to have a hormone response. Without estrogen I am moody, I cry more than ever in my life, I get angry at odd things which I work really hard to hold deep inside. I have a lot of fatigue, a large amount of apathy and my motivation, joy and zest is just gone. This is so unlike me. I love to run yet I can run 3.2 one day and not get myself out the door for several days later. I force myself to keep getting my work done but it is a, fake it till you make it phenomenon right now. This is scary for me because I have always been the sole financial and insurance support in the family and that cant stop at 46.  Plus I just bought myself a home. All on my own. It is amazing and I am so proud I did it but it is another thing to add to my cant stop now reason list. I am not complaining. I am trying to just get it all out and in doing so I realize that my doctors never talked to me about this at all. Not once. No one told me I would forget things easily and should keep a list. I would not sleep through the night again. I would feel blue and not myself. Why was this not discussed. Did they think the side effects would make me say, “No thanks, Ill keep the cancer”? Regardless, I am here now and I am struggling to find my way out. I also stopped trying to date because right now I am traveling too much and just a hot mess. Who wants any part of that combo. Onward.

I was reading an article the other day that talked about reverse engineering your life. How it helps you figure out your goals and allows you to work backward to get where you want to be. This resonated with me because I did it successfully three years ago. I am going to try it again now and see if it can help me get to where I need and want to be.

At 21, I walked into a small, local company and started answering their phones. I was a young mom, newly married and they let me switch between daytime work and night time shifts depending on the school year. I was answering their phones but it was time away from two small children that I needed and I loved the social aspect of taking calls and helping people go to college. I knew in my second year there that I would build a career in the company. I also told myself that one day I woud be a VP in that company. Everything I did and every opportunity I took, I asked myself if it would bring me closer to that goal. If the answer was yes, I did it. If the answer was no or I dont know, I passed. In 2015, while battling cancer and publicly going through chemo, I was given my VP. I remember being proud and realizing I did what I set out to do some 22 years prior. I reversed engineered my life. My next 5 year vision was my 20 year plan and I did it. Since then I have moved, challenged myself and worked for some really big companies running their centers. I dont want to stop now. How do I do the next 20 years with this weight tied around my shoulders.

So I will be using this blog to reverse engineer my next 20 years. I am going to try and write daily for a while and help me process what I am going through. I am hoping this will help motivate me, hold me accountable and if not, cause me to fake it til I make it a little more. Thanks for bearing with me while I talk about my feelings, my workouts, my running, my food and what I want my next twenty years of my life to be like. I need this now more than ever.

Always with love ~T~