Although I have had to fight a lot in my life, at the core of my being, I am a lover. I love, love and all that goes with it. Grand gestures of friend filled ceremonies, flowers to celebrate special occassions. Hugs and kisses. Passion filled nights when the sweat and steam from two lustful people make it impossible to see out the windows. Texts just to say hi and did you make it home safe. The look when you come home after a long, horrible day and the other just knows. Wine poured and take out nights with Netflix. Vacations in paradise with your best friend and a newly released best seller. Endless date nights at the best restaurants the city has to offer. Cuddled naked under piles of soft fluffy blankets on Sunday, reading the paper, drinking hot coffee and eating freshly baked croissants. Gifts, just because.
At 20 when I got married this is what I imagined my marriage was going to be. I was 20 for goodness sake. I lived my life pretening to be Cinderella and Snow White and when things started to fall apart shortly after my first semester at college, I found Prince Charming and settled down. My prince, was older and smart. He was handsome and fun. Rugged and outgoing. Employed and stable. Everything my 20 year old self could hope for in a man. We married and in a span of 2.6 years had two daughters. I was 23. A mom, a wife, a full time employee with a two bedroom walk up. Rent and untilities to pay. Groceries to buy, car insurance to pay, gas to get to and from sitters so I could go to work. Mountains of laundry I never seemed to finish. Floors that were always dirty and sticky from two beautiful but very messy toddlers. Cheerios stuck in couch cushions and sippy cups, binkies, blankies and stuffies all over, all the time. Time passed and I did not even get the chance to see it go by. My prince and I spent our days working opposite shifts to reduce the babysitting needed. Long overtime hours to help keep the walk up. Arguments over who did what in the house and who did more every day. Petty young arguments that are done to make one feel superior and the other feel small. Time spent on the couch was spent sleeping while the beautiful ones slept. As time went by I began to invest time in my career and it took off. We moved several times for my next step up. My prince began to experience bouts of extreme depression followed by spending phases and days locking himself away to work on his favorite hobby, painting. He worked less and I worked more. All the days of who does more coming to a head. Finally it stopped and I took the beautiful ones and went home. Not sure how I came to that decison but I did it to save us all. We were self destructing and I did not want our children to witness the demise of love and two people along with it.
I am 43 now. Ive been single going on 9 years. I am still a great lover of love. I still believe that two people can come together for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part regardless of what the statistics say. Regardless of my past exoerience. I understand now that its never about who does more. That is about doing for someone and someone doing for you or you both doing together because that is what love is. Moments when one of you will give and one of you will take because eventually the tide changes and the opposite comes to pass. I know now that it is about building someone up to be the best they can versus tearing them down because. you feel they are not enough. It might be prince charming who sweeps you off your feet and makes your heart flutter or it might be the one who calls to see how your day is going and can talk to you about anything on end. I know and almost understand love. I look forward to one day being married and again being someones wife. I look forward to coming home. To knowing and making someone happy because after 43 years, I know its possible and I know I can, love.
Livin 365 